A Hiatus

See you on the other side... Hopefully......

Edited to add - a dear friend of mine, bless his heart, mis-interpreted this post and just called me in a utter state of panic to find out whats going on. All i meant to say was that I am taking a break from writing and will hopefully be back soon.

Did any of you interpret it to be anything different than I am taking a break from writing ?

You can relax now C, panic over...thanks for your call..

Farewell.

(may 7)

Dear Aunty Uma,

I heard about your passing on (on 5^th May - TWO entire days late) from R today. R was thoughtful enough to email me. I read it while at work away from home, thankfully at the end of the day else I would not have been able to function at all. I just wanted to fast-forward through our business dinner, come back to the hotel room and relive all those wonderful memories that I have in my mind. Yet I endured the dinner and put on a brave face, much as what you told me once. You would have been proud of me, I am sure.

I don’t even remember the last time I met you – it has been so long now. Every time I visit home, I always always think of visiting Chennai to see you, but somehow it never materialized over the years. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for putting it off for as long as I did.

One of the reasons I did not visit in all these years was because I could combine visiting you with P’s wedding. When she told me a few months ago that she had found ‘The One’ but no dates had been finalized, I was already making mental plans of attending. I don’t think I will now, I just cannot imagine her wedding without you in it. Not in my mind in a million years.

I have learnt so so many lessons from you all through my childhood. I somehow cannot imagine a world without you in it. Of the many kind aunties in the building, I was the closest to you and so often think of the numerous afternoons spent at your place.

One of my earliest memories is of P as a baby. A chubby, bouncy, happy baby – she was the building favourite. Of how you would let us handle P, under your very watchful eyes. You were visible yet invisible, one of the things which I admired immensely. I also learned so many positive things about sibling rivalry from you – how beautifully you handled S when she grew immensely jealous of P (of course this one is in hindsight).

Do you remember the time when S and me were arguing about death ? I don’t remember the exact argument now, all I do remember is how you handled us – giving us valuable life lessons along the way. You taught me to view a funeral as a celebration of one’s life for a life well lived, something which was quite alien to me at the time, among so many other wonderful life lessons that you taught us. Above all, I don’t think I can ever forget how you never differentiated between S & P at all ever.

Remember the time where you spoke about how you would have loved to work, have a career but that it never worked out like that. Of all the stories which you told us to keep us indoors away from the scorching heat of the sun on many many afternoons, that one is etched in my memory.

I have so many memories of our time together – that they cant all be put down here. Yet some stand out as I relive those days – remember those wonderful snacks you used to make when S, P and I played in your house – a new one everyday. How I would run up the five floors to your house when I was upset or angry and wanted to be away from home.

I think one of the main reasons why I joined the shloka class was because you were going. How though you wanted me to join you and S & P, you never forced me into it and made me make my own decisions.

I don’t think I will ever forget how you and S cajoled me into visiting Kallidaikuruchi (in the heart of Tamil Nadu) with you once. S and I had so much fun together and that holiday has been etched into my memory. How I got special treatment from your brother, mami just because they knew how fond of me you were. How welcome they made me feel inspite of me visiting them for the first time and staying with them for nearly 2 weeks. I got preferential treatment, much to S’s dismay.

I did hear about your bypass surgery, how well you had recovered, how you had insisted on helping out S when you had recovered sufficiently. You were, of course, in my prayers during all those times – I honestly wish I had made more an effort to come and visit you after your surgery.

Look at the guidance I received in my email today –

“ No one is more wonderful than a mother. And there is nothing more noble than a mother's heart. I hope you will all treasure your mothers. Truly praiseworthy are those who have a sense of gratitude and appreciation toward their parents. The Buddhist sutras teach that the practice of Buddhism is the ultimate expression of devotion to one's parents, and the Buddha excels in such dedication and concern.”

My mother often used to joke that if ever something happened to her, she knew that I would go and live with you over any of my own relatives. And you know what, she was right.

Rest in peace Aunty Uma.

Lots of love
Me

Restraint

I am learning restraint and it’s hard.

I have been an impulsive person all my life and this is exceptionally difficult for me. It does not come naturally to me at all.

But I am determined to. I stand to lose out much more if I don’t. And I am not prepared to do that.

Lunchtime Trips

A couple of us at work have started taking ‘culture tours’ around the city. This is during our lunch time and when the weather is nice, so you can imagine how rare that must be, here in England. So one day we went to the Barbican, one day to the Guildhall and today we went to the Bank of England museum.

It’s incredible that we are literally down the road from the BoE museum but had no clue of its existence. We researched areas around here to go to, which might be interesting and found this place. I particularly liked the BoE museum.

It showcases how bank notes have evolved over 300 years and have coins from bygone eras in display. It was fun finally seeing what a farthing, sixpence, guinea actually looked like, rather than just reading about it. They had loads of interesting stuff – we obviously could not justice during one lunch time and so we plan to go back regularly till we finish off all the sections.

There was a solid gold bar, which weighed 13 kgs !! It was a pure, solid, heavy bar of gold – there really is no other way to describe it. You can try and lift this bar and boy was it heavy !! Obviously, it was well-protected and had its own CCTV linked up to it, but it still was a good experience.

Yesterday the same group decided to go to Drummond Street for a Indian lunch. It was rather hastily decided at the last minute – I had this incredible urge to eat something chatpata and tangy. So off we went to Drummond Street. Tasted the samosas of the famed Gupta brothers and had chaat and other snacky stuff at Ravi Shankar. I came back quite disappointed with the chaat, but it was a fun trip all the same.

I have not yet found a place which sells good chaat. Chaat preferences vary so much from person to person. I have not yet found a place here in London where the chaat is to my liking. We have this big, popular Indian area near our place, which is largely dominated by Gujaratis. Their chaat tends to be sweet and in spite of telling them to not make it sweet, it always is sweet for me. Any suggestions people for getting a good, spicy, chatpata chaat ?

What I have learned is

.. that I am a country girl at heart. A couple of years ago, when I moved to the UK from India (more specifically Bombay), I would have given anything to live in London. But now things are so different. I would love to move back to South Wales tomorrow. Will do a separate post on the reasons sometime..If it were not for the lack of jobs or the poor options we have when it comes to changing jobs, I would have moved without batting an eyelid.

.. people are so so much nicer in a small city. The people in my uncle's town are particularly friendly. Nothing big - just little things - a smile when they pass you down the hospital corridors inspite of being riddled by their own grief, letting your car pass while waiting at a busy intersection. It almost made me wonder why he was being nice to us and what he wanted from us, before I realised how a big city makes you change your thought-processes.

.. how each one of us is finally alone. In spite of having family around in the same country, my aunt was all alone in that hospital room for the good part of the day..

.. how hard it is to leave the little one for a whole night. I dont think she even noticed our absence, secure in her grandparents love and care, but it was a different story for us. We were restless and anxious all through, and the thought of her face lighting up when she sees us walk through the doors kept us going.

.. good health is paramount. I have the flu this week and its been awful. I just cant wait to get back to work and to my normal routine, however busy it may be.

.. how much I miss driving. I used to regularly drive more than 600 miles a week and now I drive about a couple of miles once every few weeks. The sheer joy of listening to good music and driving on a smooth, clear motorway is truly exhilarating.

Being singled out..

I attended Christmas drinks with Calculus’s office colleagues yesterday. It was a nice, quiet affair in a pub close to work for his department. Now his department is quite massive and he himself doesn’t know most of them. The reason I went along is to meet the small group of people he works closely with. Over time, I have heard a lot about these people from him, so it was a nice opportunity to put a name to the face. They were really sweet and a very nice bunch of people. But I felt so so under-qualified for the first time in my entire life. His entire group were PhDs (including the spouses who had turned up) and I was the only non-PhD in the group. Calculus rather (un)kindly pointed out this to me. Of course his group of friends did not treat me any differently because of it, quite the contrary. Yet to be singled out in my own mind felt rather strange.

I have always wanted to do a PhD, for as long as I can remember. When I was doing my masters in the UK, my professor and I discussed this too. He suggested various different options, many of which were very interesting. He also offered me the opportunity to teach part-time while I did my PhD. This was around the time when we were debating if we should move to London for work and I did not pursue it any further. Maybe one day, when I do not have mortgage worries (not that I have it at the moment, as we don’t have a mortgage, but we intend to buy a house in the near future) or I am not tied down to London like I am presently, I can study further. Till then, I have to be content to be singled out !!

Spreading venom

This post really got to me and I have been wondering all afternoon, unsuccessfully of course, about the rationale behind it. Why would any self-respecting human write such a thing? It is beyond me.

If you dislike her so much, why bother reading ? As many bloggers before me have pointed out that there is a ‘X’ button on all browsers, just click on it and be done. If you don’t agree with her views, leave a polite comment on her blog. Or write a counter-argument on your blog about why you disagree. After all, blogging is yet another medium to encourage and facilitate debates. People blog for various reasons and there are millions of blogs out there, so if you cannot debate in a decent manner, go find a blog which is more suited with your world view and leave it at that. Why spread venom ?

She is one of the first bloggers whom I reached out to and she gave me some great tips about parenting. She is warm, bubbly, generous, friendly..We formed a connection, continued to keep in touch and I consider her a friend now. I don’t necessarily agree with all her views, but then which two friends agree about everything ? I either politely disagree with her on her blog or else agree to disagree.

Today’s post has crossed all limits of decency. It left me with a very very bad taste in my mouth and quite sad to be a part of this world where such vicious, malicious souls exist.


Edited to add : The link doesnt work as the offensive post has since been taken down.