Fear of Change

I am in a strange place in my head right now. I have resigned and am serving notice in my current job. The resignation was due to a variety of different reasons – organisational changes which I did not agree with and which directly affected me, being the main one. Then there was the fact that I was not learning anything new and doing the same old kind of work. Yet the biggest advantage of working here was the flexibility it offered me in terms of choosing my work hours. I had a rather sweet deal where in I could work half from home and half from the office, every single day of the week. I could also choose which half of the day to work from home, varying by day. With having a baby under the age of one at home, such a deal is a real boon. It meant that I could structure my days around her vaccination and health-visitor appointments, and just be around her so much more.

I recently did a full day at work because of some personal commitments that I had planned for one evening. Normally I would just go in late to work and so still do just half a day’s work from the office. That day though I had some meetings which I could not work around and I had to do a whole day at work. It was difficult to say the least – not seeing my daughter for such a long time, not being to wander off and finish other not-work-related stuff before coming back to work, the freedom to wander about and to sit at my desk the whole day. It just made me re-evaluate my choices.

I am going to join a new workplace very soon which means that I have to work full hours and do all the things mentioned above which I don’t particularly want to. It will mean that I have to start from scratch and prove my worth yet again. I lie – I have worked with my soon-to-be-new-boss before and so its not exactly re-starting. But this is a different role, a different place and a different time. So while I am not exactly starting over, I still have to work hard. And its hard to come to terms with my own decision.

When I rationalise and think about my decision, I know that I have made the right one. In my soon-to-be-old office, there are 2 other people who have worked for a longer time in the department than me, I have had more managers in the 3 years that I have been there than some have had in their entire working career, the team morale is very low and the staff attrition is very high, yet when I mention this to my manager, he says I am being negative. Not to mention the other fringe benefits which are much better in the new place.

Yet there is still a nagging voice at the back of my head questioning my decision over and over again. I guess it’s the old fear of change syndrome which is bothering me. I resist change and hate to have to modify a pattern which works well. Its probably my fear of having to get out of my comfort zone and having to exert myself more, which is not necessarily a bad thing.